I wrote this the day I moved from Illinois back to Fresno, CA. At the time I was very pissed off at the world and at myself. I went back and forth about whether I should post it or not. I am posting it now because things have changed so much since I wrote this and I figured why not, so here it is......
As this year soon comes to a close, I look back on all the good times and the bad times that I have had. In addition, I also look upon the many bad times I had this year. Contrary to what some may say or think, my intention was to never hurt anybody. But ask this person or that person and tell you that I am a cold-hearted bitch, which is not the case at all.
The biggest thing this year was my meeting and getting to Know Gary and Tony. Had I known what I know now back then, I would have never ever said one word to either of them. It seemed at times that Gary’s intentions were to be a true friend and help out where he could, for instance co-signing for my new car earlier this year and my laptop and a big screen tv which I have sold to get rid of the memory, the laptop is the next to go. Gary would always tell me how much he cared for me and how much would be there for me, but I begin to not believe that when he started checking into my personal things. When he found something he didn’t like, he flew to Las Vegas, NV and had the car towed away, rekeyed and sold it to CarMax. Sure I was pissed, but I quickly got over it. I’ve been without a car before and I will do it again
The split up with Paul was another sad time for me this year, yet it has since become a big learning experience for me. I admit that I was the reason for the split up due to messing around with other guys, I’m not giving excuses, just stating facts. As time went on and I moved out, things just became more and more intense. People were getting involved and making thing even worse than they were before, thus having Paul and I constantly at each others throats. Silly immature text messages were sent back and forth, one being sent to me that read “Boy escorting must be a big business in Las Vegas for you huh Robert” Recently, he and I had talked about getting together, to this day I honestly do not know if he was serious or just blowing smoke up my ass. Then a few days ago he calls to tell me that he’s not coming for Christmas because he is tired of people opening their mouths about this and that. I quickly got upset and began cursing and yelling, I didn’t care anymore. So where it stands now is that he and I will not be speaking anytime soon.
The last few months I spent with Randall up in Kankakee, IL. I fell in love with him so fast. I didn’t want anybody else and I can honestly say that I was 100% true to him. Even though our time together was short, we had our problems, such as communication. I have a tendency not to just come right an say what was on my mind. I got the feeling that I was a bother being in Randall’s home. He actually told me this morning that he feels that I think his family isn’t financially good enough for me, what a crock of shit, I never asked him or his family for anything and the thought never crossed my mind. Randall would also tell me that he feels that sometime when I talk about some thing I want or already have that I am “bragging” whatever I said and left it alone. The day that I left his house for Chicago I knew that was the end of the friendship. I wanted to see if Randall would say it fist, but of course not. He went on to say that it would be best that we not talk anymore, as much as I didn’t want that to happen, I just read the text message, erased it along with Randall’s phone number, in addition to Paul’s cell phone number.
I guess you can say that I have washed my hands clean of the whole situation. I know it’s not over, I know somebody is going to say something and it’ll start all over again. But this time I will not be around to get caught up in the middle of. Never would I wish and harm or hurt on Gray, Paul or Randall, but I will no longer let them get the best of me. All three have said that I need to grow up and honestly I have and I like the new me, not everybody will. I need to go back and begin to learn myself again. Being around my family again I realize how well I treat my parents compared to other people. I make sure they are taken care of, I don’t yell at them, I give them the respect they so deserve.
As of today, my friendships with Paul, Gary and Randall have been repaired for a lack of a better term. A lot has changed for me for the better and only time will tell what the future will hold. But one thing I do know is that I will never put myself or anybody else for that matter through something like this ever again.........
Always,
~Stubby~
- Location:Lexington, KY
- Mood:
bitchy - Music:Anita Baker: I Apologize
Josh and I loaded up the Honda Ridgeline about 9am wednesday morning and we were on the road by 9:45am. What should have been a 9 1/2 road trip damn near became 12 hours, due to a wrong turn and a nasty car accident (Not us thank goodness). We finally hit Rockingham around 9pm and I must say I was a nervous wreck, not knowing what to expect from Josh's family. Dave, Josh's father greeted us first, followed by his mother Peggy who in turn gave me a welcoming hug. This made me feel a lot less nervous. Josh' brother Jesse would arrive about two hours later.
One of the biggest shocks what the fact that there was not a Christmas decoration to be found. I know Christmas is not all about having a big pretty tree or lights, etc., but it is something that I am used to. So it's safe to say that I was a bit bummed about the lack there of. But I got over it pretty quickly.
Christmas Eve started out with a nice breakfast prepared by Josh's father, eggs, sausage and toast. Then Josh and I were sent to Lowe's and the Food Lion for supplies and dinner stuff. Once back Josh and I went down to his father's farm where Dave and Jesse were building a cow chute. I went back to the house and eventually fell asleep while Josh spent time with his brother and father and mother was at work.
That night we had some really thick juicy steaks prepared on the grill by Josh along with some huge baked potatoes. After rolling away from the table we opened up our gifts, which again is something that I am not used to. I was given some cash and a very nice Kenneth Cole wallet from Josh's parents. After gifts we were to watch a movie and about 15 minutes into the movie, the TV goes kaput!!!!!! There went that idea, so the TV from the bedroom was brought into the living room and served it's purpose just fine.
Christmas day I have to say was quite boring. Tensions were starting to creep up between Josh, his father and his brother. I just kept to myself as I didn't know what to expect. Luckily nothing big came out of it, but it still put a damper on the day. There was no family dinner either. Josh's mother was pulling out some scalloped potatoes and the pyrex glass pan they were in just suddenly exploded. While helping to clean it up, I had my right hand ripped aprt by a piece of glass, no biggie though. Christmas dinner consisted of another batch of scalloped potatoes and a spiral honey baked ham. But instead of the family gathering at the table, it was more of fix your own plate and fend for yourself. Later in the rainy day we all sat and watched movies.
The day after Christmas both Josh and I were ready to go. So we had breakfast, waited for his mother and brother to return with the new big screen tv and hook it up. Soon after it was time to hit the road. We all said our goodbyes and got on the road. Not too long after, Josh's father had called to inform Josh that $40.00 was missing and I knew where this was going. Sure enough Dave asked Josh if I had taken it. What the fuck is that about!!!!!!!!!! I was not raised that way!!!!!!
When Josh told me about it at first I was ok, but quickly I went into a mental rage. How dare he accuse me of something like this. Josh quickly regretted telling me. The more and more I thought about, the more outraged I became, I even started to cry as I was in the shower. After some time to myself, I talked to Josh about it. I informed him that I would never do that to his family or anybody else for that matter. I also told Josh that out of everything that happened, his father accusing me of stealing from him completely ruined Christmas.
Never ever have I had such a horrible time for Christmas. I can not get the last 4 days out of my mind, hell I am still heavily pissed off about it. I can honestly say that I have no intentions of going back to Rockingham, NC any time soon........
Worst Christmas ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Location:In my own little world
- Mood:
crushed - Music:Anita Baker: No More Tears
- Location:The basement
- Mood:
relaxed - Music:Ckaka Khan: Through The Fire
Once home and everybody had went home, I got Josh settled and relaxed and off to the grocery store to get things for sunday dinner. Anybody who knows me will tell you how much I absolutely despise grocery shopping. But I will say this time was not that bad, I spent most of the time on the phone with my niece Kayla, my mother Wanda and my bud Gary and a few text messeges with my good friend Chris in Las Vegas. At checkout I did not have my Kroger card, so the lady behind me was gracious enough to let me use hers and I'll be damned if she didn't save me almost $8.00 HOT DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!
Once home I began preperation for sunday dinner, which really got me out of helping to wrap gifts!!!!!!! I started my taters boiling for my tater salad. Plus I decided to make a chocolate chip pie, along with a lemon pie. Josh was quite happy when I showed him the chocolate pie. Around midnight I was ready to call it a night, especially since sunday would be a busy and full day.
SUNDAY: Today started off with me peeling the taters for the tater salad, this instantly put me in a bad mood, LOL. The bad mood shifted quickly to a good mood when Cathy and he boyfriend Greg arrived with bagels NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!!!!!!!!!!! Soon after we were off to the school where Josh teaches at for a program where we take students to Walmart. With this program the kids are given $15.00 for a toy and $70. 00 for clothes. What a diverse group of kids, none of them were really bad, but some tested their boundaries, like all kids do. But overall they all had a good time, as did the adults. It was great to see the looks on their little faces when they were able to pick out something of their choice. Nothing makes me happier than to see a happy child.
After Walmart, we headed to McDonald's for lunch. How many children do you know that do not get excited about McDonald's? Happy meals all around for the youngin's. By this point, some of the kids were starting to get on each other's nerve and some name calling commenced. I intercepted some name calling and had two children say their apologies to each other. For some reason that really turned Josh on, LOL. Once lunch was over, it was back to the school to return the little ones back to their families and it was great to see them tell their parents about their day, which brought an even bigger smile to my face. I must say, I am looking forward to doing this again.
Now home, it was time to focus on sunday dinner. Cathy, Greg and Marie were to join us. I finished up the tater salad, began frying up the yard bird (chicken). Cathy made a really good macaroni and cheese dish with multiple cheeses again I say NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!!!!!!! Everybody was quite happy with dinner and the bellies are extremely full. Greg was quite content with the chocolate chip pie and the lemon pie was a hit too. I gave Josh the honor of being the busboy, LOL. I am always happy to be able to cook up a good meal for friends and family, this really reminded me of when PJ and I would have Mike and Dwight over for dinner.
With the kitchen cleaned, dishes in the dishwasher, Josh and I are winding down for the evening. Lunches packed for work tomorrow. Lena and Zala (the puppies) are out cold, one on the bed, the other on the floor. This has been one hell of a busy weekend, but a damn good one too. Although I am glad that the weekend is coming to an end, I have to say that I wouldn't change anything about it!!!!!!!!
- Location:Louisville, KY
- Mood:
content - Music:Patti LaBelle: If Only You Knew
In addition to making new friends, I also ended a lot of existing friendships. Some were my choice and others were their choice. At first I was highly saddened by this. But soon I came to understand that these friendships really were not friendships. Just people who wanted to be in my life merely to be in my business and cause drama.
As all this was going on, some heavily strained friendships were repaired or are still in the process of being repaired. This has been an interesting process for me as I do not like people to be mad at me. I was really bad about holding a grudge, but I know know that really does me know good. I have reached out to people to see if they wanted to continue our friendships. Some responded back with a sweet "yes" others responded by saying they only wanted to be "Online Friends" yet I never hear from them. Yeah it's hard to go through that, but sometimes it needs to be done.
I would have to say that the most interesting thing to happen to me this year is me enrolling back into college. I have pondered and pondered this for the last 2 years and finally decided to go for it and I did. I applied at the University Of Louisville and I was accepted. There's still some bumps in the road to get over, but everything is pretty much set. I have been getting a lot of shit from friends asking why Louisville? Well the answer is simply this, IT'S MY DECISION!!!!!!!! No other explanation needed!!!!!!!!!!!
So in closing this, I have to say that I am highly thankful for the changes I have endured in my life this last year. Including the ups and downs. There's not much I would change about it. It took a lot of hurt to realize that I am slowly becoming the happy person I once was. I am thankful that I have changed myself for a more positive person. I am thankful for the new and true friends I have and the those who I was able to repair friendships with. I am thankful for my family who are so damn supportive of me. Most of all I am thankful for life. I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, be safe and enjoy your time with your family, friends or whomever you're with!!!!!!
H. Robert "StubbyCub" Cooper
As mentioned before, Dad has been struggling with with his diabetes a lot as of late. there have been nights where Mom and I have been awaken to Dad roaming the house. Of course he has no idea that he is doing such things. I try to get to him before Mom does and feed him some beverage loaded with sugar and some food. Once calmed down, he is fine and has no idea why it's 4am and we're all up feeding him. The family convinced Dad to get the insulin pump to see if it would help and it did, some. That is until Sunday while we were watching Janet Jackson pay tribute to her fallen Brother Michael. I glanced at my phone to see Mom had sent me a text message reading "Dad had a heart attack, we're at St. Agnes Medical Center."
Me usually being the strong one out of the four kids instantly fell apart. All kinds of things went through my mind, what if this, what if that, and so on and so forth. We get to St. Agnes and meet Mom, she is the rock as usual. I ask to see Dad and i go back there to see him and when I get back there I am shocked at what I saw. There Dad is eating a cup of puddling and doing a crossword puzzle, WTF!!!!!! I guess that's a good thing. The next day, Dad had 2 stints placed into his arteries, one was blocked 30% and the other a staggering 90%. After another day of observation they sen t Dad home. Today, now retired, Dad is doing much better, he has become a lot more disciplined with taking a good watch over his diabetes, although with him home all the time, Mom and kill him for bugging her so much.
Moving over to Mom who has been suffering from her back issues for god only knows. Well her Doctor finally won the battles with the insurance company. Up to the surgery she has had issues walking, sitting and overall just being comfortable, so another surgery was something that needed to take place, and it did. This time Mom's surgery took place at Fresno Community Regional Medical Center. Surgery went very well and Mom was sent home a day early. Since being home, Mom has made a great recovery. She is walking better and walking less and less without her cane, Which is very very good news.
As for me.........Hmmmmm. Actually I am doing well. I have still had my run ins with pancreatitis and knee issues. As of right now, I am dealing with a kidney infection. The doctor seems to think it was something I had to eat (e Coli). He prescribed me some meds and they seem to be doing the trick. Regarding my knee, well let's see. I have recently been having a numbness in the inside of my right foot. Yesterday at the doctor's office I brought this up to him and he thinks it may be due to the inflamation in my knee pressing on the nerves. Plus he also said that he no longer wants me to lift heavy objects, walk for extended periods of time, climbing ladders, squating, you know all the things I do in my job. So now I have to do some thinking about school, which is fine, it just sucks.
All in all we are doing well, just some setback to overcome and we'll get there, we're too onry not too!!!!!!!!!!!!!
StubbyCub
- Location:Downtown Fresno, CA
- Mood:
chipper - Music:George Benson: Turn Your Love Around
You're a great guy, i hope your day is as awesome as you are!!!!!!!
StubbyCub
- Location:Fresno, CA
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:Stevie Wonder: Happy Birthday
Friday: Didn't have to work which was good as I was doing paperwork for school. Brian and I had a fancy dinner at Ruth Chris Steakhouse. They were running a special which was nice and kept the price down ever so slightly, LOL. After dinner we all roamed around the RiverPark
Shopping center. We ventured into Best Buy to waste some time and I purchased a dvd of one of my favorite movies "Juice" with the late Tupac Shakur. We also went into Border's bookstore and checked out some books, I was looking for some new music biographies to read and I found the biography of Florence Ballard of The Supremes. After leaving River Park, we hopped over to the Den for a drink. David the beartender gave me my usual Dr. Pepper and Brian who usually gets a Long Island Iced Tea had a Strawberry Lemonade with Abosolute. We sat out on the patio as the weather was freaking fantastic. A gentleman came over and shook my hand and said it was nice to finally meet me....................I had no idea who that man was!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday: Started off with my phone ringing at 1:32am. I leaped out of bed thinking it was Mom. I didn't even look at the caller ID, turns out it was my biological father. He was calling to tell me that his biker club was in Fresno for the weekend. I said I would call him later in the day and I did. Once up and awake, we skipped over to Homo Depot to pick up new plants, potting soil and pots for the backyard/patio. Once back at the condo, I helped unload the car and then I drove over to the Harley-Davidson showroom to meet Joseph and my brother Toron.
After visiting with the Cooper's, I drove over to pick up my oldest Brother Anthony and his two youngins Kyle and Ceressa. We went back to the condo and I began digging the holes for the five plants. It took some serious effort at the ground was rock hard, but I got the plants in. Ceressa fell in love with Petey and vice versa. Kyle put on an oscar winning performance of how scared he was of Petey, it was quite annoying to be honest. After taking them home, Brian and I stopped off at Fred and Wanda's to check on them. They were relaxing watching X-Men, Fred was looking very good 3 weeks after his heart attack. Once we got back to the condo, I popped in the DVD Juice, Brian had never seen it and I tihnk he liked it. After the movie we just watched tv and then called it a night.
Sunday: FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO TEXANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's all I have to say about that.
- Location:Fresno, CA
Today I cried. I cried because I lost my dream job in Las Vegas, NV being a "Millwork Engineer" because of coming down with another ordeal with the dreaded pancreatitis that has popped in and out of my life for the last 2 1/2 years.
Today I cried. I cried because I hurt my first true love, Paul. Due to my inability to be true to him. Due to my immaturity thus making him fall out of love with me.
Today I cired. I cried because my new Kia Optima was taken away from e because I failed to have the co-owners name removed from the title. I came home from a trip and the car was no longer there. I still have the key to the car as a reminder.
Today I cried. I cried because due to slow action of doctors, 2 years of my life was stolen away from me, I will never get those 2 years back.
Today I cried. I cried because I realize what a fool I was for not continuing on to California State University of Fresno like I had originally planned. I will correct that mistake.
Today I cried. I cried because my father suffered a heart attack. Although he is doing fine, I am still extremely scared, yet extremely gracious that he is still here with us.
Today I cried. I cried because I wanted to go test drive cars and look at new houses but Dwight my partner in crime and I are now over 600 miles apart.
Today I cried. I cried because I got to wrap up in my woobie for the first time in 5 months. I know I'm 30 years old, but my woobie comforts and calms me.
Today I cried. I cried my oldest niece Kayla is a freshman in high school. She is attending University High at California State University of Fresno.
Today I cried. I cried read about one of my favorite actors losing his battle to pancreatic cancer. He was a great actor and will be truly truly missed. May you rest in peace.
Today I cried. I cried over the fact that I know I have one hell of a long bumpy road ahead of me to get myself back to where I need to be, mentally and physically.
Today I cried. I cried knowing that my Mother would gather up a good nights sleep with me being here at the house with her. With Dad being in the hospital, she is all alone in this house.
Today I cried. I cried because somehow in my mind I think that my good friend Nick doesn't like me anymore. I know it's not true, but it's just the way I feel right now.
Today I cried. I cried because a friend who I love very much that I called "Sweet Pea" told me he no longer wants to be friends, but only online friends. We haven't spoke in months.
Today I cried. I cried after being turned down for multiple jobs in this city or in that state simply because I do not have my own transportation anymore.
Today I cried. I cried because I miss playing softball with the Off Chute Too team. Although we did not always get along, we always had a good time on the field.
Today I cried. I cried over my mother is in so much pain because of her back. Lord only knows when the doctor will get things in order for Mom to have another surgery to make her feel better.
Today I cried. I cried just from looking at some of my 7,000+ pictures on my laptop and remembered so many of the good and bad times I have had over the last 30 years, 7 months and 3 weeks.
Today I cried. I cried because I know that any day now, my sweetheart of a friend Cecilia is going to go into labor and welcome to the world her first child.
Today I cired. I cried simply because...............................It felt good.
- Location:My old bedroom
- Mood:
stressed - Music:Change: Holiday
- Location:Fresno, CA
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Whitney Houston: Million Dollar Bill
Mom:
Her second surgery has been postponed and cancelled and puched back more than she would care to mention. Her doctor wanted to do a procedure to place a spacer in between her L3 and L4. This procedure was to relieve pressure that cause Mom to walk funny, have massive leg spasms and just be miserable all together. Well Mom's insurance was not having it. The insurance fells that the procedure is risky due to the fact that it is stil relatively new. Plus there would be the possibility that the procedure would not work and Mom would have to have another surgery just like the surgery she endured in 2003. Maked perfect sense to us, well Mom's doctor (Who is a great doctor) is not giving up. He is doing everything he can to get Mom to be as comfortable as possible. So please stay tuned to see where this goes.
Dad:
Many of you know Dad as of late has been having many issues keeping his blood sugar levels on a decent levels and since my late health update post, there has not been much change. Over the last two months in my opinion it has become worse. Especially during work Dad's levels have been dropping without much warning to dangerous levels, getting down to as low as 20. Luckily since he works at a hospital he is quick to get medical attention. What really upset me is the other week Dad's sugar went down and he began having a hellish dream. Luckily Mom was sleeping in my old room and she goes down the hall to find my Dad wrestling and fighting her jewelry chest. He was punching it, pulling on it and ripped the door off of it, then he proceeded to bitchslap the lamp shade on his nightstand. Mom called to Dad and he pinned her up against the wall shaking her, but she managed to get away. Mom hands Dad a can of soda and he squeezes it so hard that it exploded all over the dining room. A second attempt was successful. The thing that upset us is that Mom never called any of the four kids. After some convincing, we Dad finally relented and got the pump for his diabetes, which requires a lot of discipline. I will admit that Dad has been doing very well with it, his sugar has been at a respectable level and he is eating better, keeping up with his shots, etc. So it's going to take som time for his body to adjust.
Me me me:
Since my knee surgery July 31st, I have had very good days and some really bad days. Sunday following the surgery I the knee gave out and I fell to the ground and smacked my head on the tile floor. Luckily I did not hit my knee, but gave myself a nice knot on the left side of my forehead. Surprisingly, the trip to Las Vegas did not affect my knee all that much. Don't get me wrong, it hurt some, but I was not dying from the pain either. Last Wednesday I had the stitches removed and one of the dissolveable stitches was slightly infected so the nurse completely pulled it out, piece of cake. Yesterday I had my follow-up with the surgeon to see my progress and for him to go over what he found during the surgery. The doctor said that he had to removed about 70% of the Articular Cartilage as it was that damaged. He went on to say that he had to drain a good amount of fluid. There is the possiblilty that within a year or two that I may need to have another surgery as everyday movement will continue to aggrevate the Articular Cartilage. I will start physical therapy next week.
So now you're all up to date with the goings-ons with us, I'll post another update in another month or so *BIG HUGS*
StubbyCub
- Location:Downtown Fresno, CA
- Mood:
cranky - Music:Michael Jackson: Dangerous
Brian and I decided to go on to Las vegas anyways and made it from Fresno to Las Vegas in 5 hours and 10 minutes. I called to let old friends from Las Vegas know that I was going to be in town for the weekend. Oh great, call me, let's get together. I called everybody flaked, no surprise, we had fun regardless.
One of the highlights of the trip was seeing the finished product of a project i worked on last year for the Wynn Encore. I created the construction plans for the workshop to build the wall fixtures for this high end shoe store, here are a few pics:
Working on the product
It's was so cool to look at this and know I had a hand in the design and construction process.
We stopped in at the Luxor to have lunch at BLT Burger, great food:
I loved this shirt so much, I have one of my own now WHOO-HOO!!!!!!
Later saturday night and after dinner, we ventured over to Treasure Island to see the Sirens of T.I. since Brian had not seen the show. Anybody who has been there knows to get there early to get a good spot. We found a great location and soon after this family with 3 bad ass children crowed around Brian and I, and I mean crowded around us. This family tried their hardest to push us out of the way but to no avail. The mother was making rude comments and had her children not been there I would have cursed her rude ass out. Right before the show started the mother sat on the ground and I wanted sooooooooooooo badly to fart in her face, but I behaved myself.
After Treasure Island we roamed over to Charlie's Las Vegas. It was so dead in there you could hear a rat piss on a trash can. Needless to say, we did not stay long. Heading back to the hotel we drove east on Tropicana as I thought about stopping in at the Eagle, it was just as empty, screw it, we're going back to the hotel and we did.
This morning I was ready to go, I didn't want to hang out with anybody, call anybody, I just wanted to go home. We stopped off at Planet Hollywood so I could get sugar cookies at Toll House. I swear you need a cigarette after eating those cookies. Soon after, Brian and I were on our way back to Fresno. I was quite irritable so I was hauling ass as I wanted the drive to be over with. It took a long 70 minutes to get from Las Vegas to the Nevada/California stateline, traffice was a nightmare.
Hyundai/Kia Proving Grounds just outside of Mojave, CA
Since I was a kid, I have been fascinated with these energy propellers.
I can this trip to Las Vegas was not all that great of a trip, but it was not a bad trip either. A lot of the "fun" was ruined by the loads of rude people. I understand it's going to be busy everywhere you go, maybe it's the way I was raised. It just seems as though many people there act as though they are the only ones there and how dare you be there the same time they are there. Maybe the Las Vegas trip next month will make me feel better about the city, especially since we are not driving next time around.
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod
